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Tomorrow College starts up, and I can’t get the Kingdom of God off my mind.
I haven’t been to school in a year exactly, because of the year I took off for the internship in KC, and it seems so foriegn to my ritualistic thoughts. College actually is a unique community in itself, the atmosphere even has a different feel upon entering. Although many enjoy this atmosphere, I don’t necessarily appreciate it. My pursuits are not in any way goal and career oriented, even though I understand the necessity of a job to survive these days, my mind cannot escape the thoughts on the Kingdom of God.
Of course, I want to do everything possible to enter into the Kingdom of God when I die, but what about during life? I’ve always thought of the Matrix movie as being more than just someone’s imagniation; it seems this world is less a reality than the spiritual one I read about in the Bible. I’m overwhelmed with the thought that it’s possible for me to enter into the spiritual realms (to the degree the Lord would allow me to). I’m intrigued by it, so much that I can’t even think about my modern lifestyle nor the fears I normally partake of the day before school starts. I want so badly to enter into the deep things of the Kingdom of God.
The simplicity surrounding me is too little a consolation for my mind. I was created to feast upon the presence of God, and my senses to be riveted. Though bothersome that I cannot do anything in my power to reveal these things, I will trust the Lord that His timing is perfect and I believe soon I will be able to walk in the Spirit.
Was I made to experience the throne room of heaven like John in Revelation? Is it literal in the bible when it says to approach the Throne in all boldness? The ensuing desire on my heart has been to see the Lord in ways like I’ve never even imagined, that He would take me away into the ridiculous places I used to call my imagination(in all biblical soundness of course), in real life. I want His purposes and will to be established in my life, while we exibit a relationship composed of faith, friendship, and myself understanding the Kingdom of God still more and more:)
to a degree…
I miss my dark brown hair with slight grey streaks,
I miss my ‘cant-wait-to-get-out-of’ teenage years,
and the time when weekends were discernable from the weekdays.
Growing up is sometimes so depressing. I only hope there are aspects ahead(eh hem, romance) that portray childlike attributes, such as simplicity. and purity. Which way to never-never land???? and where is my peter pan? yeah. that dashing flying fellow. ready to take me to the place where I dont exist, and neither do the carbs we would consume in our imagination? These thoughts are too good to be true? Nah.
Fellow Light. These women will shake the earth with signs and wonders as vessels of the Spirit of God. AND i love them. oh so much.
———————————————————<3
If we truly understood our present state in this world, noting the vast amount of darkness with in ourselves and this world, we would have a better understanding of ‘poor in spirit’.
It is ridiculous how dark my world has been lately, despite the lovely colors glowing in every which way, had it not been for the hope of glory inside I would surely die. I’ve even thought of what it is I am living for, and the results would be ridiculous with out the understanding that I was created by God and that He has purpose for me(otherwise why would He have created me?)
I know the Lord is wise and to the extent of wisdom I carry, I know that nothing is created null of purpose, no matter how small.
I will walk this life, and I will be the light. Though I am nothing, the One living inside of me knows me. He made me. He is my hope of glory. There is a reason for all of this sin produced heaviness, built generation by generation, and there is a time to come in which I will understand it all in it’s fullness.
I do not feel like I understand much at this point, but I do know that the Lord is real. I will not be swayed, no matter how much pain, self-inflicted or not, I endure. With the ever increasing knowledge of the Lord, I understand that myself cannot carry much of a burden, except His, which is easy. He is pretty much carrying the world nonetheless, I just have to switch my mental processes to faith in His care rather than the independent one so many are tormented with.
If I were to say that I do, it is ridiculous of me. I do nothing. I simply think I do. The extent of my doing is decisions I make in the flow of the ever working hand of God. Out of His wisdom flows His orchestration and perfect leadership. He carries the world whether I do or not. Although, it is with in my power to release myself from those burdens: to come to the understanding that He is doing everything and assume a position of faith in the God of the universe. I need Him so much. I am weak. pitiful. In Him I can do all things. He strengthens me. He loves me. He asks me to look upon Him in loving adoration so that our relationship will flourish and I will ravish His heart.
The Lord is good. I wish I could relay it better to those who do not know Him, so that they may experience a world with no worries. I, myself, press on towards this faith movement.
Amen.
Lord.
I ask that anyone who reads this blog would be blessed to:
Be free from bondage.
Know Your will for their life.
Learn the fear of the Lord.
Receive finances for their needs.
Have a spirit of love, power, and a sound mind.
Be bold to proclaim the Word of the Lord.
And to be given a spirit of prayer.
In Jesus’ name.
Praise be to Your name, forever.
Amen.
Today I learned how to put a diaper on a baby, not by visual means, but trial and error. You see, I erred. I babysat 4 kids yesterday, one of which being an infant and the mother told me today in church of the startling news of my error…FOUR times I changed that babies diaper and everytime I thought it was odd to put the adhesive part from the front onto the back. I bowed my head in shame. They thought it was funny.
My heart is still in turmoil.
But, I’ve been praying for the will of the Lord to be established in my life and it to be revealed to me as well. It is truly a desire of my heart to live in alignment with God’s will, and if that means losing someone dear to me, then I know the Lord has marvelous plans that can adhere that much more hope to my chest.
I’m also seeking first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness(Matt 6:33).Firstly, by figuring out what in the world that means. I’ve got an idea, but I plan on delving into that one, along with:
Being poor in spirit(Matt 5).
Hopefully my incessant running to the bible rather than any other thing Satan can supply will maintain a sanity in me, sustaining my breath and vitality.
As for now though, it’s really hard to trust in the Lord. I can say all the things I’m studying and all the things the Lord says, but it really is going to take me for real trusting in him, because I CAN’T do this on my own. His will for my life I know is good, but right now it’s ridiculously cloudy around here. I can’t see anything ahead and I certainly can’t put anything together as turning out good. The Lord has to ordain my steps because I have not a clue what I’m doing on this planet.
My life is flippin out of control right now.
I hope that I am in the Lord’s will. I really do. In the supposed alignment of His will I have made some decisions on friendships lately that have hurt. I don’t really have anyone to talk to besides Him right now. My close Christian girlfriends(my only remaining friends) have boyfriends, which brings a whole new dimension to “hang out time” and a whole lot less ”one on one time”. The other friends I have chosen to step away from in regards to closeness because of their hindrance of the Lord and I’s relationship. This sounds harsh, and quite non-christian of me, but I believe all of them were initially formed out of selfish motivations as well as disobeying the discernment of the Holy Spirit in ignorance and needed to end. These past weeks have taught me how important it is to form relationships with caution as well as wisdom, that way, the endings aren’t quite so hard.
This is definitely a time to put my trust in the Lord that He is working out the best plans for my future. I’m so sad right now, and what’s even more sad is that I’m venting to a white wall, of which the only people who read I am no longer friends with.
This state of being, more than likely, will provoke me to creative writing again(of which I have shied away from recently).
to Tim van der Hoff. the one i told i have odd thoughts. here is an moderate(so that we may remain friends ha) example. Though, the idea of this isn’t so much odd as my wording and the fact that I write. Who does that anymore??! ha joke. I wrote this during the ONEthing internship while meditating on Revelation 4, the Throne Room.
The Throne Room
“…and behold, a door standing open in heaven. And the first voice which I heard was like a trumpet speaking with me, saying “Come up here, and I will show you the things which must take place after this.”
–Revelation 4:11
Abandoned to every other occupation and person-not a soul in eye’s reach-I ascended the solid rock where a light shone at the top. Every glance, every bruise, every weary step aimed towards the accomplishment of my journey.
All the years of pursuing the Lord and strengthening my faith amount here. Was I strong enough to reach the door? It’s open, waiting for me, but can I attain it? All the meaningless striving for earthly gain means nothing at this point. When I decided to pursue Onething-to place all my efforts to one cause-knowing Jesus Christ and His purposes-twas the best decision I made.
The rocks gleam at me with naughty suspicion of my failure and they cry in order that I may slip. But my hands remain clasped to them after every movement of my being. there was a grace, supernatural to my knowledge, that was imparted long ago, when I sought the Desirable.
“Come up here!” the light screamed. “This fight is surely worth it!” I screamed back. Frantically and with violence I assumed the position of a woman rescuing her child-and lunged toward my separated lover and His chambers.
Longing since birth for His companionship, this task is trivial and expected.
“For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.”
–Revelation 19:10d
I knew, in my early years of preparation, that a time of strength would endure. I, at that time, lifted my gaze to the heavens and was fixated, since, with an eternal perspective. Jesus, in our intimacy, of His word and I, told me of this time.
Moments passed and my hand reached into one crevice that fit it exactly. Molded into the heavens itself, my hand is known by the Creator. With this revealed, my heart was filled with absolute love and was spurred to a quicker pace. Fervent in my desire, with one taste of being known by my creator, I pressed toward the Throne Room.
I respond to the calling “Come up here” my God. For you knew me before I was formed and your door stands eagerly open.
“Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.”
–Psalm 139:16a
“…everyone around notices you but not the trail of decrepitness your dry mouth and stale mind create.”–previous blog
So people have begun to notice the trail that my mouth and mind are creating. They gave it the name of “mean”. “brenna you’re always mean to me”, “brenna, did you ever notice how mean you are to people?” “brenna, i wonder how many people, if youre this mean to me, you’re mean to…”
So I’ve no excuse. My tongue has literally been sour lately. It’s no wonder, because my heart is so sad. I am not sure if it is a direct cause from myself, an attack, or an array of things. Maybe it’s the fact that my life seems meaningless at the moment and don’t see its value increasing in the future. Sure, ive decided upon some valiant jobs in my later years, but will that really satisy my desire to please God(or make me enjoy ownership of my life)? I fear that I will always be unhappy in my circumstances, and this has quenched my last resort of happiness: hope in a future.
I know the change has to come from me. The problem is, how? No matter the circumstances, I should be happy and trusting in the Lord that He is doing things through me. But I feel like I am damaging the Kingdom more than helping, and it’s to blame on my honest tongue, that gauges its words from a hurting heart. I apologize daily to God for being a crappy Christian. I really do not speak words of life or truly live with the fruits of the Spirit. But I really want to, which in itself is progress.
–I came home tonight with the intentions of spending quality time with my family, but instead, I was “mean”. I have felt not only a spirit of hate/depression on myself recently, but over my house. Maybe, it’s just toward me. Bc, everyone of my family members have been harsh with me. Even though it is not their duty, they have not considered that the words coming out of my mouth are stemming from something else besides them. They take it personally, when in reality, i love them beyond measure. and I HURT when I speak to them harshly and can’t accept love from them because I’m too busy pretending to not pay attention in order to keep from crying.
Wow, this blog turned into a vent. perhaps theyll regain their chirpiness soon.
Ps. New hair cut.
Sometimes there is a validity to the consumption of pancakes and bread, others you just can’t find reasoning beyond peaches.
The story that unfolds daily in my eyes often crosses my mind as movie worthy, especially when i assume the stature of a star.Although, today was pretty boring, an average Christian Sunday: talkative morning class where the question of “is brenna pensive or cautious” was posed and all answered “Impulsive!!!” and another, “…the red dress”, common sunday morning message of “facing the giant”, a tribute to noni leaving for two weeks with fried halibut and river swimming, and a set where, rather than the expected prayer, a pink princess heals purchaser i became(Lillie Grace was unattended and my exhausted self was chosen).
All for the love of Christ.
But what about the other question posed in class this morning? What paralell to the walking on water experience can I attest to at this moment? Well……………Im no where to be found and I know Im here just waiting to be found but should i yell? or just keep waiting? are all these meaningless tasks the will of God? its difficult to know when everyone around is so ready to get married and have children. when everyone around wants to become a doctor or a preacher. When everyone around notices you but not the trail of decrepitness your dry mouth and stale mind create.
There is my paralell to the walk the on water, may it be propitious one.
I’ll stand here, slightly tilted, with no control over my position and the many other yard inhabitants that may be lusting after my balanced equilibrium. It’s a lonely life, that of a garden gnome.
Today I cleaned my house. The webstream is finally working and I listened to Merchant Band while I cleaned. The rest of the world outside toiling and I was blessed with the serenity of singlarity of body and plurality of spirit.
Although, I skipped church tonight to watch “the jedi returns” Star Wars movie. It turns out that I was going to be asked to sing on the mic at church, of which I had considered on my own earlier that day and decided against doing, with out any type of notice. I suppose the Lord answered my unspoken, even, ungathered prayer by the action of my absence. I also sent out a long awaited email to a friend who holds pre-tribulation beliefs about the end times. We have been emailing back and forth as to who would go first in a sketch of our beliefs and he finally just asked me to and I complied. It felt really good to get some of my beliefs organized enough to form an argument, although argumentative was not my platform; I spoke in love and in humility. I made it quite clear that I have much studying to do before I can give a complete believe system, but that I know what I was saying about the end times as truth and I even stated that I looked into the arguments that I had once believed, and even further, and that they were all false. I am hopeful for what he will say and how this will provoke him to “search out the scriptures” concerning the end times.
Tomorrow I baby-sit 3 boys, ages around 10. I hear they are pretty self entertained, but I’m looking forward to it almost. I had prayed for the Lord to send me an inconsistent job so that I could do it when I was free, considering I am starting school full-time aug. 27th and helping a lot with our house of prayer. So far I have 11 days of babysitting scheduled with them. Praise God!
I love Jesus.
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