Christmas is near

Christmas is near, and I find myself watching the Polar Express for the second time with the children i am babysitting.  I’ve decided that im not ready to bear(bare?) children anytime soon.  Not because of any child specifically, but all of them combined.  All of their impatient gestures and illogical thinking patterns.  and they’re so darn selfish.  And perhaps so am i, which is another reason as to why i am not ready for them.  They are so cute though!  maybe it will be different when i have my own, fruit of my loin sort of thing. 

 So it’s already flippin December 20th…!! What a do What a do…

Contrary to normal college students, I left home for the holidays.  Although I’ll be spending Christmas and the surrounding days at home, I moved out all my stuff last week.  haha i felt so awkward because my paradigm is totally screwed up.  All my friends were so excited about going home for the holidays and I was excited to be moving out! ha this semester has def been rough commuting to school from home.  It will be nice to walk to campus again.

As for the anticipation of Christmas, it still remains, after all these years! I remember not being able to sleep as a child because images of opening my presents entered and reentered my mind throughout the night.  For weeks preceding I could barely resist peeking under the wrapping paper.  Although the past 2 years+ I’ve been a beast waking up Christmas morning, don’t let the guise fool you.  Im super stoked!

 Merry Christmas! 

Brennan

Recently, I’ve been spending a lot of time with my friend brennan. yes, our names are similar;)

 It is Christmas break and he is here until thursday because he has to work, and i am quite grateful bc i would have been running all my errands by myself. 

 I just moved into a house with some girls and he helped. totally sweet of him.  This post is dedicated to him and his sweetness.  Contrary to mother’s belief, though, we are just friends, and always have been.  No hint of romantic connect.  Which is fine, because we are such good friends and probably wouldn’t have remained so unless our friendship remained unhindered by romantic notions.

We both love to wander and dream, and often i wonder if either of us are going to actually do antying about the things we rant about.  I know we will.

 Tonight I read him a story i had written while in KC, and he was astonished.  Do you ever get super happy when someone likes something youve done?  Well, I encountered that moment.  He said I should publish it and then that we should write a screenplay together.  That is a real compliment,coming from him, just because he is pretty good with those sorts of things.  In reality, I didn’t know for sure if i was a good writer or not, and was actually wanting to ask my previous english teacher what she thought.  I still am not sure, but i am that much more confident because i trust in brennans compliment and i know he is a good talent scout;)

I realized i had not written in a while and i need to just get over the fear of it ‘not being as good as i can do’.  I need to just sit down and live through my words. 

bc thats what i do best.

Anti-Protestant Habits.

I was thinking about it and, I think I am a bit stalkerish.  But maybe we all are and in that likeness we also share the fear of being a stalker aka ‘being a stalker phobic’.   In that, we resort to denying all forms of stalking, until someone else confesses to browse endless blogs, and then we sigh/slightly giggle/and say “yeah I do that too!”.  Otherwise, we are simply stalkers on the inside, in denial stalkers on the outside. 

 With all that said, of course I dont browse others blogs incessantly or ask about others on a regular basis, I only read blogs for education purposes and ask about others for prayer requests;)

 Ciao.

The Impenetrable Watermelon.

Has anyone seen my vision?

 So tonight we tried Worship with the Word at our house of prayer.  It turned out pretty good for all of us not completing all of the necessary cross references for the 5 main cycle scriptures.  We actually only got through two worship cycles.  I was impressed with the amount of language I had for singing about the themes covered in the cycle verses.   The first one was Proverbs 24:1-2 and the second was the classic Psalm 27:4.  Time flew by so much more doing the worship with the word rather than intercession…not that I don’t like intercession, but it seems more like work than Worship with the Word.  WWW is comparable to catching the wave and Intercession as to getting past the breakers.  As a singer at heart, I love that I have the opportunity to just sing whats on my heart in context to the bible.  It’s so much more freeing and liberating and fun to just sing about the scripture instead of intercedeing on someone’s behalf(again, dont get me wrong about my opinion on intercession). 

I really love the company I’ve been introduced to, rather re-introduced to, as of late.  I feel like I’m finally developing relationships instead of living in my head the majority of the day.  I think I’d be characterized as a day-dreamer or fantasizer of sorts, and that can be bad in the realm of complacency and high hopes, so its good for me to form tangible relationships.  Also, they love the Lord, and I can tell they actually care about me.  The majority of the time I dont get that from people, although I probably am guilty of giving off the same vibe.

 I left my cell phone in my car outside…where it’s cold and dark…so I am going to have to rely on the sticky note I posted on the door for my mom to wake me up instead of my cell phone alarm to get to church on time.  I think I’ll say a prayer as well.  

 Goodnight. Good Evening. and. Farewell.

Today is my birthday!!

I am finally 21 years old.  It doesn’t even feel like my birthday today…perhaps because so far, I have woken up at 5:45 am, driven an hour to school, and taken a math quiz.  I move on to the Spanish composition next class.

Maybe it will start feeling like my birthday as I salsa the night away…and purchase my first alcoholic beverage in the United States.

You didn’ mention no math test…

Today I had a test in my 8am Race and Ethnicity class…but when I got to my statistics class I thought it was going to be a breeze because we had reviewed last class and the test was on the syllabus as the following Tuesday.  I gladly provided some information to my friend who had missed last class’ review, that he reviewed last class and I had no idea what his plans were today.

He then entered the class and told us to clear our desks…

haha I took that dumb math test, it’s the first thing in my life i have not studied for, and im kind of glad I didn’t know about it(of course I haven’t seen the grade yet).  I think I did alright, but it reinforces the fact that I have selective hearing.  man…

I’ve got to pay attention more.

Mer Nar.

I haven’t been feeling alive lately.  Then, I read in James 2: ‘faith with out works is dead’ and now I know why.

 btw. the title means(phoenetically) chisel(mer) and fish(nar).  usually written narmer.  but an awesome friend decided to make it mer nar and i also agreed that it would be a better world if it was mernar, considering mer has always been one of my fav words.

Relationships are a funny thing.

The title does not lie, relationships are a funny thing, sometimes they’re the laughing funny and others they’re just plain ‘I don’t know what the heck I’m doing’ funny.  As for most, they categorize themselves in the ‘dont know what I’m doing funny’, but I’d like to be in the laughing funny. 

It’s like, I seem fine with being alone, I actually find a lot of peace in solitude amidst green flowers(the color deboed by hungry deer, yes I’m mad at the deer for eating my sunflowers), virgin countryside, and perfectly clear nights(unhendered by dreary fog or boistrous lights) yet I oddly look forward to, all day, spending time with friends in the evenings. Close friends are a necessity, but what are the steps of those close relationships to be taken as to becomming closer?  When it comes to close relationships, as well as things that I do that aren’t socially acceptable, I pretend I’m in a non-existant world where no one gets mad, and everyone forgets about the quarrels at hand.  I am willing to supress/forget  feelings and hurt in order to avoid ‘working things out’.   

To work things out is to be with offence in ones heart, so much so that it is impossible to move on in longsuffering and forgiveness.  Or, could it be to work things out is to be wise in that learning from your past will prevent other mistakes.   But what is a mistake and why do they occur?  Well, for one, someone doesn’t like the way something went down, ie you told something that was supposed to be held secret, and they need some sort of earthly/human consolation proving…who knows what.   Is it really possible, in our human nature, to fix or bring correction to a certain situation that went awry?  It is quite possible, withthe all determining factor of including God, yet that brings me to the question of is it really necessary to include ourselves?  Is it really that bad of an idea just to enjoy eachother and when strife comes to just say ‘whatever’ and move on?  Or is it out of our pride that we assume we deserve some sort of right of ownership of a certain feeling we want to hang on to, or assume, everytime a particular event occurs?  For example, everytime Person A bites their nails it aggravates person B.  Person B tells them not to do it around them.  So person A stops.  What gives Person B the right to choose the course of actions for person A?  This act was obviously out of selfishness.  Of course there is the disclaimer of Person A being a christian and person B not, so they exemplify longsuffering in regards to sacrificing their nail biting, but come on.  If we were to assume the position of I have no right to any type of mannerism or reaction to other people, we would be able to accomplish the beautiful task of ‘going with the flow’ and never needing ‘serious talks’ of working things out. 

The world is already too serious, why bring that quality into our personal lives?

I may be totally off, but think about this utopian ideal for a minute.  If we all were to assume ultimate selflessness, there wolud be no need for working things out.  In the case of someone becomming infected with the selfish bug, they would need to be excommunicated from the village.  joke…but really, why do we fight, why do we have issues with one another?  Aside from the fact that we are different and we need to develop understanding of one another, but is it possible to find that understanding with out quarrels and serious talks?  Maybe I’m just a blinded advocate for a neverneverland society, where no one grows up and we just fly around all day.

“Let’s pretend we don’t exist, let’s pretend we’re from antarctica”

Kingdom of God…exposed?

Tomorrow College starts up, and I can’t get the Kingdom of God off my mind.

 I haven’t been to school in a year exactly, because of the year I took off for the internship in KC, and it seems so foriegn to my ritualistic thoughts.  College actually is a unique community in itself, the atmosphere even has a different feel upon entering.  Although many enjoy this atmosphere, I don’t necessarily appreciate it.  My pursuits are not in any way goal and career oriented, even though I understand the necessity of a job to survive these days, my mind cannot escape the thoughts on the Kingdom of God. 

Of course, I want to do everything possible to enter into the Kingdom of God when I die, but what about during life?  I’ve always thought of the Matrix movie as being more than just someone’s imagniation; it seems this world is less a reality than the spiritual one I read about in the Bible.  I’m overwhelmed with the thought that it’s possible for me to enter into the spiritual realms (to the degree the Lord would allow me to).  I’m intrigued by it, so much that I can’t even think about my modern lifestyle nor the fears I normally partake of the day before school starts.  I want so badly to enter into the deep things of the Kingdom of God. 

The simplicity surrounding me is too little a consolation for my mind.  I was created to feast upon the presence of God, and my senses to be riveted.  Though bothersome that I cannot do anything in my power to reveal these things, I will trust the Lord that His timing is perfect and I believe soon I will be able to walk in the Spirit.

Was I made to experience the throne room of heaven like John in Revelation?  Is it literal in the bible when it says to approach the Throne in all boldness?  The ensuing desire on my heart has been to see the Lord in ways like I’ve never even imagined, that He would take me away into the ridiculous places I used to call my imagination(in all biblical soundness of course), in real life.  I want His purposes and will to be established in my life, while we exibit a relationship composed of faith, friendship, and myself understanding the Kingdom of God still more and more:)

to a degree…

to a degree…

I miss my dark brown hair with slight grey streaks,

I miss my  ‘cant-wait-to-get-out-of’  teenage years,

and the time when weekends were discernable from the weekdays.

 Growing up is sometimes so depressing.   I only hope there are aspects ahead(eh hem, romance) that portray childlike attributes, such as simplicity. and purity. Which way to never-never land???? and where is my peter pan?  yeah. that dashing flying fellow. ready to take me to the place where I dont exist, and neither do the carbs we would consume in our imagination?  These thoughts are too good to be true?  Nah.